The Diary Of You
by YumikuWhite
Summary: What the fuck did I get myself into? (RukiaxIchigo) (RATED M FOR SEXUAL SCENES) (Light modifications to some characters may occur) (Based off of real diary entries/events)
1. Chapter 1

_It was the kind of love that you seen coming but no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't run from it._

 _It wasn't like you didn't have the strength, like you were scared. Its like you didn't want to. You're body wouldn't let you run from him even though you know he was dangerous._

 _But that was just it. Even though you knew the outcome could be bad, you looked forward to the in-between._

 _You knew if you took that chance, even in the future, you wont regret that little infinity you had with him. It would be worth it._

 _He would be worth every heartache._

 _All this, I knew all this by the end of that first night._

 _I did this to myself._

 ** _Entry 1- Infinity_**

I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what to think or even what he really looked like. I mean he had sent my a picture but what if he got there and that wasn't really him. And his face was turned i an odd direction so he didn't look that attractive at all. I don't mean to sound shallow but the first thing you see when you meet a person is their face and from right then its like your mind judges them already, without you even meaning to do so. It decides for you if you are going to find them attractive or not. We are all shallow by nature.

Anyway.

I was nervous. I didn't know what I signed up for. I've had sex in the past but it was never planned. I went on this meet and greet site for basically hits and quits. Yeah, dumb but there I was, pacing back and forth in my room. My makeup was very natural. I threw on cover-up and very light mascara with highlighted brows. The added blush on my cheeks was the finishing touch and with these four items I was flawless yet untouched it seemed. My hair was brushed but also puffed. I, not at all, wanted to make it seem like I INTENTIONALLY spent hours preparing for this. Upon giving my mirror one last pass, as I approached the door, I turned and faced my reflection with a disappointed stare. I had no idea what I was doing. I felt so low and so...whorish. I looked to my door with a gaze off into the distance as I remembered JUST the night before my roommate had allowed another man to penetrate her once more from the same site I had. I groaned and smirked. We were going to be whores together. Was that it? I thought about it. That was just my first time so I wasn't that all bad.

The sound of the doorbell felt like gongs in my ears. My heart had jumped and I was lightly startled. Even though I was sure I wasn't going to look into the mirror again, I backed up and looked again. I know, so dumb. As I approached the door, before I even GOT to the frame of it, he was there. That scared me too. I gasped lightly with wide eyes and stepped back, just staring at him fro what seemed to be like forever.

God he was sexy.

The door closing was what caught my attention and brought me back to earth I parted my lips even wider to greet him, literally about to introduce myself, but the man didn't even let me got out a peep. He had cupped my cheeks into both palms and stepped towards me. I can still feel his lips.

Was this a thing? No names or anything? What do I shout in bed?

All these questions ran through my head in just a mere mili-second and he had wrapped his arms around my waste and pulled me against his chest. I remember grabbing his shirt as he was walking with me to the bed behind me. I did a pretty good job, given what just happened, with walking backwards and not falling on my ass. When I sat on the bed, he pulled from the kiss and by that time I wasn't even thinking about asking those questions anymore. I was ripping the shirt off my body as he was throwing his to the corner. Before I knew it, he was naked and I had my legs around his waste. My arms thrown around his neck and my back arched upwards, pressing against his chest as he stayed mounted on all fours above me with penetrating hips. I gasped and moaned each time he pushed into me. This man was huge and he wasn't showing any mercy. He let me have it like there was no tomorrow. Literally. We went 5 times that night and when we finally ran out of energy, we glanced a the clock that read 3am.

I laid there next to him, on my back with the Christmas lights outlining my walls and the white, tool like canopy draped and hung over my queen size bed. We didn't say anything. Not that whole time, not the times in between and even then, laying there we were so silent. it was the best silence and I will never forget it because even though we weren't talking, I felt like it wasn't awkward at all. My heart was pounding so fast, from the sex and the nerves in my stomach, I was sure he heard that. I remember the silence even more so because of the words that came after that. It pierced me and that's when I knew I was in deep shit. I felt like I was in a movie it was surreal.

With his big brown eyes and messy, fire orange like hair. He has pale white skin that was painted with different worded tattoos and pictures of meaningful things. 17 covered his body so subtly. If he wore a long sleeve (or even an elbow cut) shirt and shorts, you wouldn't guess he had them at all. His face was so particular. He has a strong jawline and his cheekbones are perfectly shaped for his manly face.

"You're pretty..." Was the words that pierced my heart like any sharp object would. It was just as shockingly painful as it was scary. Yet even knowing this for that split moment, I felt warm.

It was that feeling I got, just then.

The feeling of knowing you should back away but you don't want to because you're curious as to whats around the corner.

He left that night. I offered him to stay the rest of the night. I kind of wanted him to but he refused. After he said that I thanked him and he cuddled for another 20 minutes before he got up and announced he was leaving. Yeah I felt a bit upset but I as I watched him walk away from my place, and down the long alley to his car, I knew it was a long shot he would have stayed anyway. I turned and walked back into my place. I locked the door behind me and immediately went to shower. I think that was the longest shower I had taken but it was also the first of many to come if I kept seeing him. The whole time I was in there, my mind was focused on him and him alone. We said but a couple words to each-other yet he was all I could think about.

He is so handsome...

I think what it really was, as I laid in bed that night, I wondered if maybe my mind was scared that this man would leave. What if he got what he wanted and he wasn't going to ever come back. I sat up in bed just then and grabbed my phone off the charger, assuring I had probably snatched the charger from the outlet. I didn't care. I unlocked my phone and went to my messages. I pulled up our conversation and was ready to ask but paused. I plugged my phone back in and laid back under my blankets. Somehow I knew that this orange haired man was not like that, and that was going off of one compliment. None the less, I drowned myself in my thoughts till I passed out.


	2. Chapter 2

_"You surprized me today"_

 **Entry 2 - Day after**

He hasn't called yet. I sent him a thank you text but I got no response. I ended up looking at my phone more than usual the past couple days. I knew writing to you would calm my nerves. So here I am, behind this keyboard hoping that this would take my mind off of you know who but guess who I'm writing about?

Yeah.

A long sigh was given just then. I was beginning to fear the worst and I didn't like it. I went over in my head a million times, all the events that happened that night. I don't think I did anything wrong. So if I didn't, why isn't he texting back? Why would he say something like that and then not follow up with me. It's been 3 days, is it too soon? I ended up picking up my phone, even knowing NO ONE texted me, I had to make sure myself. Setting the phone back down on the table was more intense than I planned. I have to get ready for work and that's the last thing I want.

xxx

On break, you can imagine that today is shit, once more. Every couple that came through my line at checkout, reminded me of me and him, and our non-existent relationship. It sucked. Am I over thinking this? No, I have every right to get a text back...right?

xxx

He texted me back. I got relieved from shift and after clocking out, I grabbed the phone from my back, pants pocket and sure enough there he was.

"You're welcome ;)"

Why is it that everything he says is so simple but every time he says it, it intensifies by like a lot and sends butterflies through my stomach. I felt myself having a dance party in front of the time clock. I took in a deep breath and made it out the exit of Wal-Mart (yes I work at wal-mart) I began my response.

"Do you want to come by later?"

It was perfect. It was straight to the point, by how little he talked I assume that's what he was into. No beating around the bush. I wasn't going to stare at my phone this time. I shook my head and shoved it back into my pocket. Taking the keys out from my purse, as I approached my car, I removed the alarm and felt a buzz. Before even opening the door I grabbed my phone out and read that one word text that shot a big smile across my face and quickened my speed on getting home.

"Yeah"

xxx

Before he came over, I showered and readied myself just like before. Natural as possible yet flawless in the most subtle way. I didn't even have time to pace this time because just as I was putting my brush and makeup away, I heard my roommate and him talk in the living room. I hurried and shoved the rest in my makeup bag and threw it under my bed and walked to the living room to greet him. As I walked in he had a smile on his face as he talked to my roommate. His smile slowed me. It was nothing like I have ever seen. He motioned to the television show she was watching, with this smile, as he was slipping off his shoes and continued to talk. I stopped as I exited the hall and watched as he set his shoes aside before standing and waving to her goodbye, ready to disappear into my room. He didn't get anywhere and smiled as he turned and seen me standing there.

"Sup?" He chuckled at me. I blinked to bring me back into reality and nodded.

"S-sup?" yeah, I just asked him the same question he asked me. I turned and walked back down the hall way, to the door at the very end of it, that was mine. I walked in first and he closed the door after him. I was ready for him to jump me again like last time but he didn't. I sat on my bed then he joined me. I couldn't stare at him properly if he was looking back at me so I hung my head and he began. I looked up at him as he began asking about everything. I answered and then asked a little bit about him. I didn't get past the little details like; what his name was, his sign, his birthday and the fact that he plays guitar. That interested me the most.

I've always loved the sound of an acoustic but then again, who doesn't? I told him how one year I got an electric guitar and he then told me he never got to play that but it was defiantly a goal in his near future. It didn't take much after that. He had turned out the lights this time and took me into his arms.

I loved this part, not only because of the sex but I loved the way he touched me. He handled me so gently yet with much dominance. I loved to feel his arms around my body because his muscles were fine and toned. I wasn't fond of buff guys or bigger buys but I wasn't attracted to super skinny ones either so he was perfect. He was the perfect kind of body type. He had a bit of abs but it wasn't super intense, same for his muscles. His tattoo'd skin complimented his pale/slightly red skin. It suited him. When his fingertips brushed against my arms and down my back, I felt a tingle up my spine. The more he pushed into me , the deeper I felt our bond grow, even if it was a tiny percentage at a time. His lips didn't cross mine as much as that first time but they kissed other parts of my body that felt just as good. They were soft and also kindly placed all over my arms, neck, and shoulders. All I could do was pay him back in scratch marks all up and down his back. I think he liked it though cause every time I dragged my nails down his back, I felt him push into me THAT much harder. His whole approach to this was different than I had expected for a hit it and quit it kind of thing.

It was then I realized that maybe he didn't text me back cause he had planned, from the beginning, to make this a hit it and quit it. (cause that was the purpose of the site from the beginning). I was glad I didn't end up texting another time but I DID bring up the idea of this second time. Dumb. BUT HEY, he agreed and that's all that matters

He didn't stay tonight either. We cuddled and talked a bit more about all the little things in life, about us, then he patted my shoulder and said he was going to head out before it got too late. I wanted him here again to spend the night with me but here we were, once more, hugging goodbye. There I stood, out on the balcony of my place, watching him walk down the long stretched alley towards his car.

And now it was time to play the waiting game once more.


	3. Chapter 3

_"I like being with you"_

 ** _Entry 3- Another_**

You don't know this but Renji is one of my really good friends. I met him at a convention a few years back (5 to be exact) and he was there with two of his best friends. They were all in the convention hall court yard where a d.j was set up in the corner. I remember pushing through the group with my friend and we watched him dance his butt off. He is a break dancer. I had a crush on him right then.

I never went up and talked to him. So how did we become friends?

Well I was invited to a get together at one of my friends' house (I met her at a convention as well) and he just so happened to be there but I didn't recognize him at first. His black hair was gone and it was now bright red and while he was break dancing I didn't really get a chance to look at his face. He moved so fast. So when I got there she introduced me and let me just say, there will never be an awkward moment with him. He is one of those guys that can talk and talk without you even saying anything. He is so open and friendly, it was refreshing.

It wasn't until we decided to hangout for the first time, just me and him, did I realize he was that guy I seen in the courtyard. I only figured that one out because we got to talking about the convention and he was telling me all the videos he makes. When he showed me one, there it was, his black hair and it hit me. When I explained to him how I first saw him he laughed and told me it was a wig. Even though I put that together already.

So here we are, 5 years later and he is here at my house. We had this weird FwB relationship up until about a week ago when he called it off. It was just a day or so before I met the orange haired hottie. Now we try and maintain a healthy friendship.

He has two best friends, Shiba and Hisagi. They are all like brothers. They are always with each other and they get along like they've known each other their whole lives. Everytime I go over to Renji's they are there and even though I've known Renji for so long, and GLANCED at his friends that day at the convention, I was so socially awkward when I met them. Shiba gave me a lot of crap all the time because of it. I clinged and was on my phone half of the time I was there till they finished their card game and he snatched it from me.

"Stop being anti-social and get off your phone" he snapped. He made me mad. I reached for it and he only held it up higher. We were at eachothers necks for the longest time, we still are, because he pushed me to be more social with people.

If I didn't already mention, I was (still kind of am) a square. I've never watched any of the television kid shows that were/are so popular like; DragonBallZ, Yugioh, Pokemon, Sailor moon, Yu Yu Hakusho. I never went out side my room unless I absolutely needed to so needless to say, I hated being around new people. I was shy and silent the whole time. I avoided all conversations and he pushed me not to. It got me so mad.

I didn't really have a connection with Hisagi. I mean, we knew each other but I always found him extremely attractive and very intimidating because of it. He always had different girls that hit on him because of his good looks and they were all so beautiful. That alone made me back off. I knew I couldn't compete so it was always awkward when we were alone.

I wish I could say that about Shiba. I would it much rather be awkward than him picking on me.

In the long run, I was thankful to Shiba. I would never admit it but because he always PUSHED me to go to parties with them and 'be social' I met all of the friends I have now. Every single friend that surrounds me and the friends I talk about I met through them and all because Shiba pushed me out of my comfort zone.

The only person that they didn't introduce me to is my roommate, Orihime. I met her back in high school.

We were sitting in my living room, all of us had our laptops out on the table in a circle facing one another, Renji, me, Shiba, and Hisagi. Our mouses intensely clicking as he stared at our screens. As I died, I could hear the lecture coming on and sure enough. I mocked Shibas words as he yelled at me.

"Really Rukia?! Stop feeding!" He shouted. I ignored him. I didn't bother replying but Renji looked to me and said.

"It's okay Rukia, you got this" He was always positive which is what I loved about him. Even though I sucked at this game he had more confidence in me than I ever will. He always cheered me on and even though I messed up he didn't yell at me like Shiba. He told me what I did wrong and made me try again till I fixed my problem.

After we wont the match the guys just sat in front of their laptops and talked about guy stuff, I wasn't paying attention. I was looking at Renji and I felt my heart dropped a bit. I liked him a whole lot and I thought he liked me and even though he wanted to just be friends, and at the time I wanted something other than that, I knew it was going to be hard NOT to think of what we had. He is a guy though, he had no idea what I really felt or how I was thinking or anything of that sort.

He is so handsome and he came over almost every other day if I didn't have someone over. We are close and I didn't want something like this to ruin that so I put on my big girl panties and decided to rid my feelings for him. He was a friend.

Just a friend


	4. Chapter 4

_"I like coming over here because it allows be time to relax and the best part is I get to relax with you"_

 **E** **ntry** **4 - Come on over**

We just did _it_ again, he came back over five days later and I realized that this was probably going to be a weekly thing because he has been over one time for the past 3 weeks and I felt dumb but looking up at him and I still never realized what his name was.

"Jose" Is what he told me but it wasn't right, something didn't fit. There was no way in hell he was a Jose and he had a smirk on his face while he was saying it. Jose was a mexican name and it was obvious that he WASN'T mexican. It sounded fishy but I didn't question it. Instead, I sat up and looked back at him as he laid, shirtless, on my pillow.

"When are you going to bring your guitar?" I asked, again. I've asked him the same thing last week he laughed at me and sat up with a shrug.

"Who knows" was his response. I glared at him as he said that. I noticed this, every time I ask him something along the lines that started off with "When are you-" or even just a general question, he always says 'I don't know' or 'maybe' or 'possibly' or _'who knows'_ It was annoying. When I asked him why, he did stood up and turned to me before shrugging, smiling, and then saying;"I don't know" I got even more, playfully, irritated at his response and he laughed out loud even more so as I held my pouty face, puffy cheeks and frowned eyebrows. I crossed my arms and turned away and after he slipped on his pants he walked up and hugged me from behind.

That's when he told me he hated planning, he hated planning things in advanced and that he was a more 'live in the moment' kind of guy. Everything he did was spontaneous and last minute and when he felt like it. I thought that was weird. It sounded so inconvenient to not plan ahead.

 _"Just live in the moment, enjoy life cause life never goes the way you plan it anyway"_

Literally, his exact words. I never thought of it like that but me personally, I can't stand doing things last minute, I have to know whats going on all the time, whats going to happen. He also told me he hated everything involving social media and taking pictures if it wasn't of nature. I raised a brow at that too, only because I LOOOOVE taking pictures of _everything._

In fact, one wall in my room was covered of printed pictures of me and all my friends. It wasn't anywhere near finished because my wall is huge but there's a lot up there right now as we speak. By the way he said that, I didn't think he was going to be added to it anytime soon.

He said he was never really fond of manga, comics and such, which also got me wondering what I was doing with this guy because I was such a comic and manga nerd to the fullest. He said he hardly ever played an mmo/rpg game and I just threw in the towel. That was it, we would never become compatible.

That's what I told myself just then as he finished getting dressed but for some reason, even though we have all these things that we cannot relate with, we never NOT had something to talk about. He was always talking about something or I was always talking about something it was insane. Then we found out there were a lot of things we actually had in common as well. We both liked nature and being active, we both liked country music, we both liked music in general (he a little more than I), we both wanted the same amount of kids and we both had the same detailed 'dream home'; a small house on a large property in the country, away from the city and knee deep in nature of some sort.

He told me mostly about his adventures. I loved being able to hike but I never got the chance to and my friends weren't always down to go with me so I ended up just enjoying the little nature I had around my town but he, he told me about everywhere he went and has been. He sat back down beside me and showed me all the scenic pictures on his phone, all the places he has been to. I listened and looked with envy and jealousy as every place he showed me looked magical.

"We go almost every other weekend, somewhere" He said, referring to himself and his friends. He had friends to just go places with him I wanted to go so bad and I wanted to be like him. I told him I was jealous and how I wanted to go places like that with him and as he shoved his phone in his pocket, he shrugged and with a smirk he said " _maybe_ we will" I glared at him and he chuckled before standing up off the bed.

When it was time for him to go I was a bit upset. No one was home so I wondered why he didn't stay but I think he had work so I walked him to the door and upon going there I looked at the back of his head as he stopped by the door to slip on his shoes.

"Your name isn't really Jose" I said. He stood up after slipping on the last shoe and gave a soft chuckle.

"What are you talking about? Yes it is, don't I look like one?" He laughed, attempting to keep a straight face. I crossed my arms and gave him a stern look and he reached in his pocket and pulled out his wallet and within a second he opened it then closed it, not even allowing me so much as a 3 second ACTUAL look at his I.D. "See" He said.

"I couldn't see anything!" I argued. he laughed and pulled out his wallet again and before he could flip it open, to repeat what he just did, I grabbed his wallet and ran to the room. He was running after me and I reached the bedroom, closing the door on him but he followed me in and pushed it open, He ended up wrestling around on the bed then I ran back into the living room with it and that's where he tackled me to the ground. We both laughed and rolled around as I pinned him and he pinned me and then I laughed hard as he began tickling me till he was able to snatch it back.

"You're ticklish" he said with a smirk. We were both breathing pretty hard. I looked up at him as I laid under him, pinned to the ground. "You're pretty strong"

"Get off" I said he stood up and so did I. I let out one last sigh as he walked to the door he handed me his wallet and I looked at the name printed on the I.D, that was much better. He closed it as he opened the door. "Ichigo..." I said softly. He smirked and rolled his eyes.

"Don't tell anyone" He said playfully before I laughed and he walked out. I shut the door behind him and I bit my lip happily as I went over his name a million times over in my head.


	5. Chapter 5

_"I was testing you"_

 **Entry 5- Sandwiches**

Peer pressure should not be a thing! Especially when it involves drugs and such. Shiba just thinks the opposite. As I sit here in front of Renji, Shiba, and Hisagi I watched them blow smoke from their pipe and into the air, clouding it even more. I just snapped my teeth at his response after I was now announced 'a pussy' I didn't care at all. Hell yes I was a pussy. I didn't, in any way, want to intoxicate my body with the devils lettuce. Nope, no thanks. Shiba snapped his teeth back at me, taking the offered pipe and sucking in a hit as the grass in the bowl slowly burned as he inhaled. I watched him irritably as he watched me as he did this. Upon taking the pipe away he grabbed my chin and blew it in my face till all the smoke has left his lungs. I coughed as he pushed my face away and the guys laughed as I held my hand over my nose and mouth.

"Come on Rukia, don't knock it till you try it" Renji chimed in. I glared at him, Renji has officially turned to the dark side. How disappointed I was. I crossed my arms over my chest and turned my head away stubbornly. Shiba let out a laugh, I obviously was not intimidating enough cause Shiba and Renji were not taking me seriously.

"Are we going to play or what?!" I asked irritably, quickly changing the subject.

"Yes! Do you think you can beat Shiba now?" Renji asked. I glared at Shiba as he scoffed.

"Yeah right" He said. It was a thing. I started playing this game about a month ago and I was trained till a decent level then Renji dropped this bomb on me 'You have to beat all three of us okay? Shiba is the weakest out of all of us, then me, then you will beat Hisagi. He is the strongest'. That was the deal and I fucking agreed to this. Dumb, I know.

I hated Shiba's cocky look. He was so confident in himself so, thinking I could, I nodded and grabbed my mouse. Shiba laughed at my challenge and invited me to a private match. I could see Hisagi shaking his head in the background but I was going to prove him wrong.

"KATARINA?! Again?!" Shiba laughed. I growled at his mock and I looked up at Renji who nodded to me confidently.

"Garen? Really shiba? I have no chance" I mumbled.

"Not with that attitude!" Renji said. I sighed as Shiba finished his laugh fest.

"Pick a better champion then" He shook his head "Then you might actually beat me" I didn't bother responding. I waited and after the loading screen was gone I went for it. I bought all the needed items to build up my Attack Damage and I got as many health potions and after being set, I went down the single lane, ready to attack. I waited by my tower in case this fucker tried attacking before the minions came into play, my tower would shoot him, sending his hp gauge down halfway. No luck though. I knew where he was too. If you hide in the bushes along the side of the map, you become invisible to the opposite team and thats exactly where he was. When the tiny minions marched onto the battle field it was time to go, I had to get last hits to get the gold that came from them but it was becoming harder and harder cause as I would go in for the opposite teams minions, Shiba came in with his champion and attacked me till I had to flea back under my tower. It was annoying as all hell. "Come on" He mocked with a smirk.

At the end of the day I lost. I killed him twice and he killed me nine times. It felt like I wasn't getting any better at this game, least not up to their standards yet.

"Next time Rukia" Renji assured. I didn't bother responding as he got up, I ignored Shiba and his cocky smile. He wanted to rub it in so bad. Shiba took the pipe and reloaded it before taking in a long hit then passing it to Hisagi. I reached for my phone and checked it, no one had texted me. I set it back down and Renji brought his beer back to the table and sat down. "So, what are you doing for Christmas?" Renji asked, looking at me. I looked to him and shrugged.

"I don't know, Orihime is leaving to her grandparents so I will probably be at home alone. My family is all going away and I cant go because I have work the day after Christmas" I mumbled sadly. Renji looked to me and shrugged.

"I can come over" He suggested. I blinked with surprise, glancing at Shiba and Hisagi who were already talking among themselves, they didn't hear us so I turned back to Renji and shrugged in response.

"Maybe" I said before realizing I was starting to sound like Ichigo. After a couple more hours there I decided it would be time to go so I headed out the door, Renji following behind me as he took the librety of walking me out to my car.

"Thanks for coming Rukia" He said. I smiled as I clicked my alarm off on my car before opening the door.

"Don't thank me. It's cool hanging out with you guys. I have no other friends other than Orihime really soooo I like being here." I confessed. He smiled and took the door as I get in.

"Come more often then" He responded. I nodded and he shut the door after me as I started up my car. The drive home that night was pretty chill. I ended up listening to Secondhand Serenade and ended up feeling a bit depressed. I ended up thinking of Ichigo and how I have already become so attached and it's only been a month and a half or so since I met him. I was beginning to hate myself for it but I ended up calling him and there he was on the other line. His voice was deep over the phone, When he talked it melted me and I grew nervous.

"Hello?" He answered. I cleared my throat and nodded

"Y-yes. Uhm, I was wondering if you wanted to come over for a minute. I know its already 9 but it was just a thought" I mumbled under my breath. I could hear his chuckle. I loved when he did that. It wasn't really a hard core chuckle it was more like one under his breath and he did it sometimes while he was talking and it was so hot.

"Sure." He said. I smiled over the phone and nodded.

"You going to bring your guitar?" I asked timidly. He laughed over the phone.

"Mmmm...Maybe" The sound of my pause got him to laugh even more.

* * *

When I pulled into my driveway I ran upstairs to take a shower, I was filthy from my long day at work and then going over to Renji's.

"Whats the rush?" Orihime stopped me. I told her Ichigo was coming over and she nodded. "Ahh, I see" She said before continuing to watch her show. I was in the shower when I heard the doorbell and this distant talking between Orihime and Ichigo. I grew excited and finished rinsing the conditioner from my hair before shutting off the shower and wrapping myself in a towel and exiting the bathroom. I walked into the room dripping wet and there he was, sitting on my bed with a smirk on his face.

"Sup?" He asked. I loved when he said that his voice was deep and so hot it was amazing. He had a certain type of tone that I didn't find anywhere else like it fit him perfectly so everything he said sounded extremely sexy.

"S-sup?" I smiled, walking into my walk-in closet where I closed the door oh so slightly and bent forward to dry off my hair and my wet body. I wrapped the towel around my damp hair and tied it up there to soak in all the water as I reach in my dresser and pulled up some sexy underwear. I threw on an over sized shirt and walked out like so, closing the door behind me and shutting off the light to my closet.

"Feel refreshed?" He smirked. I nodded and sat beside him, towel still around my head.

"Yeah. I see you didn't bring your guitar" I said.

"I was thinking of it" He smiled down at me.

"But you didn't" I said, and rubbing my legs nervously before he took my hand. I looked to him and he kissed me softly before pushing my chin up and kissing all along my neck. I gasped and allowed myself to be drowned in the kisses he placed all over my body. When he pushed me onto the bed, the towel around my head came undone and my wet hair fell effortlessly around me and my head. My back was raised upwards as his hands lowered themselves between my legs.

Before we knew it, the lights were off and I was under his spell once more. We went 4 more times before we were both out of breath and ended up just laying on the bed. My hair was still pretty damp, I wasn't sure if it was from the water or the sweat this time. I didn't care. I would shower in the morning anyway so I laid there with my head on his chest and his fingertips along my backside, moving up and down as we laid in silence for at least 3 minutes.

"What kind of girls you like?" I mumbled. He laughed and shook his head.

"God" he mumbled. I tilted my head back to look up at him.

"What?" I asked.

"Why does it matter?" He mumbled back to me. I frowned and shrugged.

"Just a question I guess." I said. There was another 2 minute silence before he answered me.

"I don't have a type" He responded.

"What do you mean, everyone has a type" I said questionably.

"No, not me I look at it like a sandwich." I sighed and rolled my eyes. "No, No, listen. I look at it like a sandwich. If you eat one sandwich day after day wouldn't that get boring? You would eventually crave another sandwich right?"He asked. I glared at nothing and sat up, turning to look over my shoulder at him with a disgusted look.

"What are you trying to say?" I asked, assuming the ultimate worse. He laughed and me and pulled my by my waist, tugging at me to come down.

"SHhh, Im joking come on" He begged with a chuckle, the chuckle that kills me. I growled and fell back into his arms.

"I'm serious Ichigo, what does that even mean?" I asked again.

"Oh my god woman" Was his response. He leaned over and kissed my lips deeply before pulling away "Shh" He ordered. I relaxed my body and nodded, looking at the time on my laptop. that was on the desk beside my bed.

"Its already 1am, shouldn't you get home?" I asked.

"Do you want me to go home?" He asked, his arm thrown over his eyes and his eyes closed as he laid with his free arm stretched out so I could use it as a pillow.

"Well no, but-"

"Shh, you worry too much" He said, reaching around with his free arm and cupping my mouth, pulling me tighter against his side. I mumbled into his palm as I hard him laugh, eyes still closed and arm still thrown over them.

 **(Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! Oh my god I love reading them. Sorry if this is happening so fast, when I met _my_ Ichigo this is exactly how it all happened, it happened so suddenly and we are still going strong with many more stories to tell. **

**Keep reviewing!)**


	6. Chapter 6

_"Want me to come over, are you ok?"_

 _ **Entry 6- Not enough**_

Sleeping with him is the best thing in the world. Pressed against his side, with his arm around me as we drifted off into the land of Z's was amazing. I felt him pull away at some parts of the night which was totally okay with me. I hated the thought of cuddling ALL night. That sounds like it would eventually be uncomfortable for both sides. Then when it got closer to the mornings, I would feel his hands gripping my arms as my back stayed faced to him. He gripped tighter and tighter till he managed to pull me against his chest. Half awake, I turned to face him and pushed my body against his and we both ended up falling back asleep.

It was almost 7:00 in the morning when we woke up. It was so god damn early part of me hated him for waking me but opening my eyes and looking at his smile made it all worth it. I would never let him know that of course.

"So early..." I mumbled. He laughed and began poking my sides. That woke me up faster than anything else. I was ticklish as all hell. I shot up and jumped out of bed. "Noooo!" He laughed at my reaction and sat up as well. I pouted and picked up his shirt, off the ground, and threw it at him as I walked to the bathroom to drain my bladder. I walked to the mirror and examined myself. I groaned out of pity for myself. I looked horrid and he was over there looking like an angel. I flattened my baby hairs with water before stepping out and back into the room where he was already dressed. I frowned and closed the door after me. "Y-You're leaving?" I mumbled.

"Yeah I have work" He said buttoning up his pants. I frowned and nodded before following him to the door. He opened it after slipping his shoes on and there I stood, behind him, with arms crossed over my chest and a pouted look on my face. Once the door was opened he turned to me and chuckled. "See ya" He said with a wave. I gasped as he walked to the steps of my apartment.

"No hug?!" I called out after him. He laughed and waved before walking down the steps and out of site. I felt an immediate weight on my heart but I frowned and locked the front door before disappearing into my room.

* * *

The next couple of days were like hell. I would text him and he would either text back once, or not at all. I was becoming worried more and more each day. He gave me the response of; 'I'm not one for texting and calling just because.' That explained a lot but I still was feeling un-easy about the whole thing and I had every right to...I think.

It was a few days later when it happened. I was leaving work I believe and I had texted him, asking if he could come over tonight. His response is what brought all my fears into reality. He responded with 'I think we should stop talking' and I felt my heart drop to my stomach. I didn't know how to respond. I kept telling myself not to freak out because he doesn't seem like the type of person to like drama. I took a deep breath and this was the conversation.

"What do you mean? Why?"

"Sandwiches"

"Sandwiches? Are you serious right now?"

"I like a woman with more dominance. "

"I felt like I was used..."

"You kind of were. But at lease we gave it a try :) "

I didn't know how to react. I tried not crying in front of everyone as I walked to the back to grab my things out of my locker. I shoved my phone in my vest pocket and stared at the floor so none of my co-workers could see my watery eyes. I didn't want them to ask me; 'Are you okay?' because every time I am upset, and someone asks that, I always break down. I managed to get by unnoticed though and left without drawing un-needed attention. As I started my car and drove that 5 minutes to my place, it felt like the longest 5 minutes of my life because all I wanted to do was cry but I didn't know why. I only met the guy about a month ago and for it to take such a toll on me was ridiculous.

As I pulled into my driveway I parked the car and took the phone out of my pocket. I decided that I wouldn't freak out and go crazy on him. That would just draw him away even more so. I read my text over and over before sending and then even after it was a confirmed send, I read it again; 'Alright...I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. Hope you find what you're looking for'. and with that I shook it off and called it a day


	7. Chapter 7

_"Aren't I romantic?"_

 ** _Entry 7- Christmas_**

I was so sad that Orihime was leaving for Christmas. I was going to be all alone in my house and that was going to suck because even though I am ALREADY a hermit, I still like the idea of someone else being behind my bedroom door ya know. I laid on my bed after waving her goodbye and scrolled through my phone till I came across Renji's name. I narrowed my eyes.

It was decided that he would come over and spend Christmas eve with me, spend the night and then leave Christmas afternoon. I also said Fuck it and agreed to try smoking that night. What harm would it do right? Besides, I thought I deserved it after going through that whole ordeal with Ichigo. I had to get him a gift though, christmas eve was only a few days away. After hanging up the phone with him I called my card and checked my balance before getting off my butt and going to the store. Somehow, my mind thought it to be a good idea to get him an expensive gift. After walking out the store with that 80 dollar blue tooth' speaker, I immediately regretted it but I continued walking to my car. Why didn't I return it and get him a cheaper gift? Because I convinced myself that I was a nice person. I convinced myself that Renji was my best guy friend and he deserved it.

When Christmas eve came around I was sure glad that I didn't return his speaker because his gift was equally as expensive, if not more. I was now staring at the giant, glass, bright purple, double filtered bowl Bong. Staring at it he seemed so satisfied and proud of his gift but I didn't know how to react. I told him that I would smoke once with him and he went out and bought this expensive bong that was almost half the size of me. All I could say was 'It's huge' and he nodded, pulled out a zip lock bag and packed it immediately. After showing me how to use and pack it, he handed the first hit to me.

"Your first time, your bong, you take first hit" I guess taking the first hit meant everything because i assumed that's when it was the most fresh, untouched kind of thing. I didn't know that then. I shrugged and went at it. I inhaled the smoke into my lungs and blew it out like a champ, perfectly. It tasted horrible. My god it was the worse taste in the world and I was good off of another hit until I felt the after effects. All of my troubles were gone and all i felt was pure relaxation. My body was so much more heavy and It felt so much more intense to do things. He noticed it and laughed. "You're baked. I can see why though. You hit it hard for some reason" He chuckled.

Can you guess what we did that night? Yeah your guess is probably right, if you've been keeping up with me in these past few entries. We played that stupid game. I thought I sucked when I was sober but it turns out that it was possible for me to suck even more than that. We were both high as all hell so we didn't last more than a couple games. We closed out laptops and decided on making cookies and once they were done we topped them with icecream, smoked one more bowl then settled down with some good ol' anime. It was better than I thought it would be and I don't know why I was so surprised. I always had fun when I was with Renji. I guess I didn't really know he would be coming so I ended up just having such low expectations for today regardless. I was glad that I decided with having him over like he originally offered. It was nice.

It grew later and later and the early morning was slowly creeping up on us and it was then, when we decided to turn in for the night. We shared a bed. I didn't really think anything of it seeing as he was my best guy friend, we already had a thing so it wasn't like it was new to us or anything, and after everything he did to come keep me company, I figured that the least I could do was NOT put him on the sofa. I later discovered the instant regret because as I attempted to sleep, I felt rustling around going on behind me. I shut my eyes even tighter, with back facing him, I was then attempting to convince myself of anything but the dirtiest thing I could think of. He proved me wrong because he turned on his side and pressed his body against mine and I felt the instant, giant, at least 8 inch, member pushing up against my backside.

I blamed Ichigo for that night. Renji was obviously my rebound after being totally ditched by "Mr Romantic" of an ass hole named Ichigo. Yeah. That was the only was I was going to let myself off the hook, I was going to blame him. If he was _here_ to give me _HIS_ junk, my body wouldn't crave it so much and wouldn't have to settle for someone else's. Let alone my best friend, the man I was ALREADY trying to get over and succeeded, THANKS TO ICHIGO. There I was though, back where I started with Renji and who's to blame in my head? ICHIGO.

God, what did I do?

I think I just cheated on Ichigo.

Wait. No. I didn't cheat on him because A: we were NEVER together and B: He-HE DITCHED ME!

So don't go there with me!

Don't feel guilty, don't you do it! Ichigo put this on himself. He isn't even coming back so HA.

crap...

Yeah, that was the argument I had with myself the very next day


	8. Chapter 8

_"This wasn't suppose to happen..."_

 _ **Entry 8 - The gift**_

So I've been hanging with Renji and the guys a lot lately. I have been smoking occasionally but I made sure that I wasn't doing it a lot. I am pretty good at knowing my limits and such but over all things are pretty good. I was slowly getting over Ichigo and with the help of my friends, it made it that much more easier. Even though they had no idea what was going on, it was nice that they were helping me without even trying. Those kind of friends are the best. I found myself drawing a lot more. Like, a ridiculous amount since Ichigo has been gone. I bought a sketch book a week after Christmas and I've been going at it. Renji's always liked my drawings, he keeps asking and asking for me to draw him but I have little to no inspiration when it comes to him.

We were laying on the floor in his room, music playing in the background as I laid on my stomach in front of his fish tank, he was laying on his back with his head on the middle of mine. Both of us had our phones out and even though we were glued to them, it was peaceful. We had no problem with it because we both knew that each others presence was enough for the both of us. I took a selfie of both of us laying like that and upon looking it over, I was happy with my friendship with him and he was happy as it was as well so it was decided, after that Christmas eve night, that we would both JUST be friends and a month later, still the same, just friends.

He handed me his phone and I put mine down and took it. He told me to watch the video, it was of him back in the day when he use to dance at the cons. He didn't do it anymore but that was how I met him. I had no idea he would record himself dancing in various of other settings, let alone outside a convention. It was pretty badass, listening to the music over the footage of him just going at it. He looked so cool and that was my inspiration. I didn't tell him but I couldn't wait to get started on it.

When I left his place, before I went home, I stopped by my job and grabbed a poster board, the ones used for projects and such. I also grabbed a sharpie and colored pencils. I was so stoked to start on it when I got home. I walked out with my items and went home and cleared a spot on the dinning room table. It was bigger than my desk and just enough space to fit the poster board. I created his drawing just like a manga page, with three panels. I draw a line down the middle of the page and a tiny, rectangular box at the top of the page, right where the line started. It was perfect. The left panel was with his back turned forward. I had looked up one of his videos on YouTube and paused it at 3 different spots to where I thought would fit this page perfectly. The tiny box up at the top was a well drawn eye, the strands of his black wig fell in front of it so dramatically. The final panel, to the right of the poster board was the same pose as the one to the left of the page but was him facing forward. I drew two lines that curved around him so the people who looked at it would get the idea that he had turned around. I drew a chain linked fence behind him in the right panel with a ' NO TRESPASSING' sign behind him. I outlined his form with the black sharpie and colored in his shirt and hair with it as well. Skinny, white, lines all over his shirt made it look like wrinkles. with the color pencils I colored in his hands and skin and in the background behind the left panel i did music bars, some higher than others and colored them in. I followed the colors of the rainbow, going from red, all the way down to purple and left the rest of the background blank.

 ** _(This is a real piece of art, If you'd like to see how it came out let me know in a PM and I can link you a pic of it)_**

It took me a week to perfect it and finish it completely. The outcome was better than expected. I didn't totally fuck up on it and I got it right the first time without having to erase a bunch of times. The next time I went over I told him I had a surprise for him and when I got there, I let myself in, something I did a lot because I was over there so many times. I set it along the side by the door and took off my shoes before walking in. I didn't know he would have the guys over so I was a bit hesitant on showing right away. So I hid it by the door and walked into the kitchen area, where they were all hanging out at. The greeted me with hugs and such and Renji didn't waist any time.

"Where is it?" was his question as soon as we got the proper, 'hi's' and 'how are you' out the way. I blushed and looked away. I told him lets wait until they leave and of course, Shiba, didn't let that slide.

"Why do you have to wait? What is it?" He nagged at me. I didn't argue cause I knew I wasn't going to win so I gave up and went to go get the poster drawing and came back with it and set it on the table between the three guys.

"Whoa..." Hisagi mumbled.

"I want one!" Shiba called out. Renji loved it the most. He hugged me after complimenting it and kept looking at it. I was happy he liked it and appreciated it seeing as how hard I worked on it I was glad that it wasn't for nothing.

The rest of the night, I had to hear Shiba's mouth, 'When do I get one?'


	9. Chapter 9

_"I missed you"_

 ** _(A/N: I know in the beginning I said I met all my friends through Renji and Shiba. I did and throughout the story, as it goes on, I will reveal how I met each and every one of them._**

 ** _As of right now, in the story, I am only friends with; Renji, Shiba, Hisagi, and Orihime. (And Ichigo, if you count that lol)_**

 _ **Entry 9- Back again**_

There I was, at Renji's again and to no surprise, The guys were there too. I brought Orihime with me this time. She was a smoker already because of our car accident. She was issued it to stop the pain. She was banged up way more than me so that's why she was issued it and not myself. That was okay though because I didn't like the Idea of smoking at the time anyway. She already knew the guys because they came over a lot but this would be the first time at Renji's place.

As we walked into the house, she went in first, slipped off her shoes and let herself in. I was the last one. I shut and locked the door behind me and I heard my name being shouted from the kitchen. I raised a brow and followed after Orihime when I heard the conversation.

"Are you Rukia?" The girl asked Orihime. Orihime shook her head, introduced herself and pointed back at me. The girl clapped and ran to me, grabbed my hands and with an excited stare, she introduced herself. I was a bit taken back by her energy. "You're Rukia?" She asked. I nodded and she stepped back and bowed her head and clapped her hands together. "I seen the artwork you did for Renji! It's amazing! I'm so happy that you draw I really wanna colab with you!" I tilted my head

"He showed you?" I mumbled. She nodded.

"Duh, how can you miss it?" She took my hand and dragged me back to the living room and we went to the door way and looked at the closet door directly in front of us. It was about a foot or so away but there it hung. My drawing. I felt so special because he hung it where everyone would see as soon as they walked in. "It's amazing. You're so good" She said. "I'm Rangiku by the way." She said. I smiled and introduced myself formally, even though she already knew. She was so pretty It made me wonder if she was Renji's new play thing but as she ran back into the kitchen she dragged a tall, slender guy back with her. "This is my boyfriend Gin" She giggled. I blinked and nodded to him. He waved a very friendly wave and we all walked back into the kitchen. I was glad she had a boyfriend.

That was how I met the next set of friends. Rangiku and Gin. They were amazing. She told me they've been together a while now and was friendly and high spirited the whole time. She showed me pictures of her art and I didn't mind looking through them. I loved looking at the way other people draw because I know there's a bunch of styles of art and I liked looking at all of em. There was never a dull moment with her. She was so nice and friendly. Orihime liked her too.

Later that day we all ended up drawing. Everyone there ended up grabbing a piece of paper from my sketch book, pens and pencils laying around Renji's house and it was silent as everyone drew their own picture. Orihime draws too, I forgot to say. I think she is slightly better than me and even more so when it came to coloring. She knew how to blend and make colors pop even more than I. She had her own unique way of drawing too and after everyone was done I smiled. Everyone's was different and that's what made it amazing.

"Valentines day is in about a week or so, anyone have plans?" Rangiku said happily. No one really responded, we were all single except her and Gin. She laughed and quickly changed the subject. The guys ended up talking and Rangiku and Orihime had a conversation going that I was going to join in on until I got a text. I took my phone from my pocket and looked at the familiar number and ignored it. I didn't want to see what it said at all and I wasn't interested at the moment.

The night went on and we all continued to have fun and I tried to not look at my phone and succeeded till I got home. It was around 11 at night when I finally laid in bed and took my phone from my desk. With the blankets pulled up to my chest and the lights off, the light from my phone lit up my face as I opened the text message, finally, from Ichigo.

"Hey. Can we talk?"

Can we talk? Really? No! I shook my head and set my phone on the desk. I was not going to give in. No way. I rolled over on my side, back facing the exit, and my desk and closed my eyes, ready to fall into a deep sleep. I opened my eyes and grunted, cursing at myself before sitting up, grabbing my phone and beginning my reply

"What do you want?" I sent my text. Yeah it was a bit snappy but he deserved it. I set my phone on the edge of my desk and he didn't respond. Was he asleep? Did he see it? I ended up staying up waiting to see what he wanted. What did he wanna talk about why? I thought he wanted a different sandwhich. I was getting mad. I ended up going back onto the meet and greet site to see what was his latest activity and I seen that he had sent me a message on there too. It said;

'Text me please' But there was no reply box. Was I blocked? I went to his account but that's when I put together, why I couldn't reply. His account was disabled. It stopped my heart for a second. He disabled his account? When? I was more than curious now as to what he wanted.

I got no text back that night and went to sleep but when I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, I checked my phone upon coming back and there was a text from him.

"Can I come over?"

Why did I say yes?

I had no idea but I knew tomorrow could either be the best yet worse day of my life. Depending on what this guy wanted


	10. Chapter 10

_"Just know that you will always be number one"_

 ** _Entry 10- Welcome back_**

"I thought you were done with him" Orihime said I I finished applying my makeup. It wasn't going to be light this time, No. He was coming over in the middle of the day instead of in the evening like usual so I slipped on a skirt, a cute top and applied my makeup beautifully. Full on contour and everything. I looked sexy as all hell when I was finished. Even though I'd be lying, I would tell him I just got back from an event with the family. I wanted to show him what he was really missing though, in all reality

"Yeah well, he wanted to talk sooooo" I shrugged, not bothering to finish as I put my makeup away.

"I like blush on you better than bronser" She said. I shrugged and turned to her after fixing my hair in an adorable like way. "You look hot" She said, standing up off my bed and walking out. "Well have fun. I have to go to work so I will be back later tonight" I was glad she was leaving. She grabbed her keys and I heard the door close then open back up. He was here already? I walked to the front door and sure enough there he was and, with a huge guitar case.

Damn he was good, bringing his guitar. I see what he did there. I glared and crossed my arms as he gave that chuckle I love so much, that low toned, under the breath chuckle as he talked.

"What? Aren't you glad I brought my guitar?" He asked as he slipped off his shoes.

"Mhm" I said, turning and leading the way to the room, I heard a smirk from behind me and he followed me into the room, he closed the door behind him and set his guitar down in the corner of the room before opening his arms for a hug. "Yeah no" I said, sitting on the bed. He laughed and shrugged, sitting in my desk chair. "So what did you wanna talk about?" I asked.

"What have you been up to? You look nice" He said, examining me from top to bottom.

"Same ol same ol. Working home, hanging with friends..." I paused, remembering that he doesn't know I started smoking. I remember that was one of the questions he asked when we first started hanging out. At the time I told him no but now I do. "...Smoking" I finished. He laughed with wide eyes.

"What? You're a cool kid now?" He asked sarcastically. I shrugged and sat back, my hands behind me propped up my upper body and I crossed my right leg over my left.

"Yup" I said. He watched me and moved to the bed to sit beside me. His hand found my leg and I sighed and stood up, rejecting his touch and the sense of attitude made him smile. "So what happened to wanting other sandwiches?" I asked stubbornly, arms crossed over my chest.

"Mmmm" He had no answer. I knew he didn't want to seem week by giving a corny answer like 'i missed you' or 'youre the best sandwhich' so that was all he said I smirked and shook my head turning to walk away but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him.

"You missed me?" I mumbled silently as he held me from behind. He paused and chuckled lightly

"Mmm..Maybe" He mocked. I couldn't help but to laugh at the inside joke. I turned to him and hugged him around the head and looked over my shoulder at the guitar propped up against the dresser.

"You brought you guitar this time" I said.

"I knew you'd forgive me if I did" He mumbled into my stomach. I smiled and looked down at him, rubbing the top of his head. After we hugged, I stepped away and walked to my desk. I was glad that Renji had given me a gram of some really good weed. I handed him my, newish, bong and he examined it with wide eyes. "Niiiice" he said with a chuckle. "We defiantly need to try that later"He said.

"I'm down" I said, sitting at my desk chair.

"So how'd you get ahold of that?" He asked.

"My good friend Renji got it for me" I said. He raised a brow and walked over to his case and began taking out the beautiful acoustic guitar.

"Renji?" He asked. I nodded and watched as he took his guitar back to the bed and adjusted himself into a comfortable position.

"Mhm, I've known him for a while. He works at the U-haul over there in arden"I said.

"Oh, I might know him. I clean out houses for a living with a non profit group and we have to check out u-hauls sometimes to load up all the garbage and such" He said as he positioned his guitar and began tuning it.

"Oh really? Small world" I smiled as he finished and looked at me.

"Ready?" He asked with a smirk. I bit my bottom lip and nodded, excited. He nodded back and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath before strumming. I smiled and watched his face go soft and serious as his fingers danced all over his guitar, making beautiful music. Cords and melodies put together so nicely filled the house with the music he played. When he began humming to the music that's when I fell under his spell even more. His voice was just as beautiful as his playing. We sat there for an hour or so and I just let him get lost in the music. He had his eyes closed and opened them only occasionally. He let the music flow through his fingertips and just by his soft actions and playing, I knew music was his everything.

The rest of the day was pretty much perfect. We didn't have sex which meant a lot to me. It told me we could have a friendship, and maybe one day a relationship, without it based off purely just sex. He played guitar, we smoked, he played some more, we talked even more then that's when he dropped the bomb on me that he would be staying the night, if it was okay with me. Of course I agreed.

Now every time he comes over, even to this day, he ALWAYS has his guitar with him, or some kind of instrument out of the millions he plays/owns and I'm proud to say that he has yet to leave the same day he comes over too. He always stays the night. :)

 _ **A/N: MORE TO COME! STAY TUNED! I thought I would surprise you guys with 3 chapters today.**_

 _ **Sneek peeks:**_

 _ **I meet many more new friends!**_

 _ **After talking about Ichigo so many times around my group of newly made friends, he finally comes to a party to meet them. Their reactions are nothing like I expected.**_

 _ **We finally do something else that doesn't involve staying ONLY in my room.**_

 _ **Valentines day is around the corner :)**_

 _ **He meets my big brother (Normally it'd be my dad but Rukia doesn't have a dad so slight modification)**_

 _ **so much more!**_


	11. Chapter 11

_"I love that about you"_

 _ **Entry 11- Piano**_

In the past I have lived with my aunt and uncle. It was for about 4 months or so. She has her own buisness up in a small town in the mountains somewhere. They were the rich ones in our family. You know, that family member that seems to have more money than others? Yeah that was them. I worked with them in their office up there and babysat my cousins, their kids who were spoiled brats. They were sweet on the outside but little shits at home. Everyone in the town looked at them to be the family of the town. My uncle was mayor for a while. To everyone, they were perfect, but they had a lot of their own problems. I moved back into Karakura town after 4 months of pure torture with those kids man. I made big bucks but it wasn't worth it. They would hit me and smack me when they didn't get their way and you know, they are kids so it shouldn't matter. Not to me. That doesn't fly with me so after their parents did absolutely nothing to fix their attitudes around me I grabbed my last check and left.

There are no hard feelings at all, they understood seeing as they already lost 2 nannies prior to me. If not even a family member could handle them, god knows who can.

Anyway, so she contacted me today and asked me to come by and pick up clothes for my older sister. My older sister was out of town on work business so couldn't come herself. She said she would reward me with money and such and I really didn't want to. I told her I'd see how my schedule was, which in all reality, I had the next couple days off so I COULD go it was all a matter of if I wanted to. Which I really didn't because that was a long ass drive.

Ichigo came over that night with his guitar and after setting it down he knew something was wrong cause of how little I was talking. I told him it was nothing but he didn't drop it. I told him the whole backstory and what she wanted and as he tuned his guitar, he listened.

"So are you gunna go?" He asked. I took off my work shirt and pants and sighed

"I don't know...it's a long boring drive, all for a bunch of clothes."

"Doesn't sound worth it but if she needs you.." He said, making a good point.

"yeah I don't know. Imma shower" I said, grabbing my towel and heading into the shower. It was then, that it hit me. An idea was going through my head as I remembered him saying he loved nature. I totally forgot because of how we NEVER go anywhere but to my bedroom. My mind started cooking and began remembering everywhere that I went when I lived there. I made a friend in town that worked with me at their office and she took me everywhere! A bunch of beautiful spots and because it was in the mountains, there was a ton of nature, everywhere. It was also another 30 minutes to an hour, from the beach. I finished washing up and went back into the room.

"Have a nice-"

"Come with me" I said, still dripping wet with the towel around me. He raised a brow, very confused. I sat down beside him with an excited look on my face.

"Down to my aunts. come on we can make it a day trip so it wont be a waste. I know you said you loved to get out and you haven't been up there before cause I didn't see it in any of your photos." I bit my lip, waiting his response. He chuckled and went back to playing as he thought about it.

"Mmmm..." He paused. I stood up and dried off, throwing on pajamas and sitting back down after brushing my hair.

"Please...We never go anywhere..." I said sadly.

"There's a reason for that" he mumbled. I tilted my head and he looked at my face and sighed, setting his guitar down. "I don't like PDA" he confessed. I was a bit upset but it didn't come as a shock. I kind of figured that. He didn't seem like the type. I shrugged and he smirked. "You're fine with that?" He asked. I nodded, lying to myself.

"Well, it can't be helped but you know" I said. He picked up his guitar again and sat back against the pillows propped up against the wall. "Please...It would be so nice..."I mumbled. He glanced up at me and I smiled softly with hope.

"Sure" he smirked, going back to strumming his guitar. I squealed with happiness and grabbed my phone and confirmed with my aunt. That day we didn't really do much talking. I was planning out where we would go, packed our lunches and snacks and he was on his guitar, songbook next to him. The last couple time's he has come over, we didn't have sex. Just like tonight and even though I miss it. I was glad we were beginning to build a friendship.

That morning, we left my house at 7am. It was still February so I didn't pack a baithing suit cause I knew It would be too cold to go swimming in the ocean. SO I wore my hiking outfit cause that was what our day was going to consist of mostly and I grabbed a jacket and some sweats for when we go to the ocean and we left. He brought his guitar along and we stopped by his place so he could grab some things and we were off. I filled my tank with enough gas to get us there, knowing I would get money for getting the clothes. and we drove the few hours up there and not a dull moment went by. We were laughing and talking and singing to each other the whole way. When we went out of area for the radio, we shut it off and that's when he opened up a bit more. He ended up telling me about his family.

He had a half brother that he lived with and doesn't talk to his dad at all. He has a mother that moved to england with his stepdad and she had twins so he has siblings out there that are 2 years old. He says when his grandmother visits, she brings him back england's chocolate from his mom. A duffle-bag full of em. He told me how he learned to play all the instruments and told me all the instruments he owned. He asked me about my family and I told him. I told him how I was super close to my brother. I told him about my aunts and uncles and cousins and all the crazy parties we would have and he couldn't relate. The only family he has is in another country and he doesn't talk to the only piece of family he has here except his grandparents on his mothers side and he barely visits them either. I felt bad because thinking back, I didn't know what 'd do without my family. We had a bunch of fun, all of us so all I could think about was how alone he must be. That's when he told me his friends are like his family. He has a very best friend he grew up with and hes about to have a baby so he is excited that he will be like an uncle. He said he couldn't wait to spoil that girl and how he was probably going to baptize her too. Seeing him light up like that was the best.

When we got there I opened the door and my aunt came out, dressed so professional like always. She hung up the phone and I smirked, remembering how busy she was all the time. She owned two business' out here so I could understand why they were so busy. One was a winery and the other was a shop that sells their wine, as well as others. She smiled at my arrival.

"Aunty Yoruichi" I greeted.

"Oh my look at you, you've grown" She hugged me and I hugged back, looking around.

"Where is Uncle urahara?" I asked.

"He is in a meeting with another winery around town. You still have the key to my house yeah? I have to run to a meeting so feel free to help yourself, the bags are in the family room and the money is on the table by the piano." She said. I nodded and she kissed my head and ran to her car and drove off, not even noticing Ichigo. He got out and I took the key from my key chain and unlocked the 2 story mansion.

"Busy?" He asked. I smirked.

"You have no idea. Can you help?" I asked, motioning inside. He nodded and after locating the bags I unlocked the trunk and he grabbed all 3 bags full of clothes and walked outside with them, setting them in there he came back inside to see if there was more. I was standing by the piano when he walked up and counted the 100 bucks. She always liked to give more than needed and that's when he opened up the wooden cover and revealed the dusty keys. "Oh yeah, I forgot you can play Piano. Lemme see then" I said, shoving the money into my pants. He smirked and sat at the bench and his fingers did all the talking. He played so beautifully as his fingers glided across the keys, sending a beautiful echo throughout the house. After he stopped, I smiled and began walking out, him following me after he closed the Piano. "I have a keyboard at home in the garage. You should teach me sometime

"That'd be awesome. We could make music together it would be pretty badass" He said. I laughed and nodded, locking the door, closing the trunk and leaving the house with him to start our adventure.


	12. Chapter 12

_"You actually look kind of... cute... right now"_

 _ **Entry 12- Truth**_

It didn't feel real. Being there with him in that moment at that time. Being somewhere that wasn't the inside of my bedroom. It was amazing. The sky was clear but the clouds were rolling in as the day was slowly passing us by. I had everything planned out and it all went exactly like that. After we left my aunts place, we ended up going to a nearby park a couple blocks from her place. it was a childrens park with a playground and a large baseball field around it. A chain linked fence blocked off the playground, and the rest of the park/parking lot, from the hidden trail behind the tall oak trees. When we arrived he was confused as to what and where we were going. We arrived at the fence and he smirked to me, knowing what I was thinking but before he could confirm, I tightened the straps on my backpack and climbed the fence. He followed after me. When we jumped over the fence I giggled and pushed through the large trees till we found the hidden bath just beyond them, It was a cleared path with tall grass on either side of it. As we walked the thin path, we talked and laughed as I ran ahead of him with him chasing after me.

I wish you could have seen how beautiful it was one of the reasons why I missed living up there.

It was hidden so it was untouched and pure. Close your eyes and imagine hopping that fence, squeezing through the thick oak tress till you come to a narrow dirt trail that stretched through tall, knee high, bright green grass. The tall grass, that surround the lands beyond that fence and all around the large oak trees, pushing against your legs as the light breeze danced around you. What was left of the sun, shinning down on you as it peeked through the treetops. When you walked far enough there was a creek that was beginning to show itself as the trail wandered further and further into the wilderness. Sounds of the running water and birds chirping as you continued on your way, alongside that flowing river that eventually wrapped around and intercepted the trail that was now brought to a halt. A trunk, from a fallen tree, acting as a bridge to the other side, where the trail started up again and when walking the trail long enough you were brought to another gate where, on the other side, it led back out to another end of the park. Walking the trail would take you 30 minutes to get through. 30 minutes of just taking in the nature around you.

We hopped the fence and walked back out into the field till we got to the car. Our adventure was long from over though. I still had a few more tricks up my sleeve and biting my bottom lip, with excitement, I pulled from our parking space and went onto the road again. We stopped by a deli place in this small town my aunt live in, and the worker fixed us the best sandwhiches. We sat in that deli shop and ate and after that were were off again. We drove a long one lane, one way, narrow road, up the mountain. We got as far as we could till we came up to parking lot that was filled with a couple other cars. If you wanted to get to the top, you had to hike from here on out. I laughed to him as we got out and the look on his face was priceless as he studied the high mountain.

"We don't have to go all the way up" I said, tightening my backpack straps and walking on ahead, turning around to walk backwards. "There are like 5 other trails, some easier than others but they all have lookout points so each one is just as beautiful as the next" I said before leading the way with him following behind me. The hike up was harder than all hell we went up the 3rd hardest trail and he eventually took the lead just because he was faster than me. He reached our trails lookout point first and when I reached it, I stopped and bent forward. I remember breathing hard once I got there before actually going to look at the beautiful view that over looked the flat lands in the distance, the city was somewhere beyond that stretched land. We seen the mini trail we had just came from, and the town my aunt lived in where we got the sandwiches. There was a single bench and after taking a picture, I sat down and utilized it to its fullest. We stayed there for a good 20 minutes to just take in the view, talk a bit more about random stuff before the next couple came up. We exchanged hellos and then left so they could enjoy it just as much as we did.

The walk down was easy. I beat him, before we got to the car we decided to trail off to a couple other look out points but one of the tails didn't take us to a lookout point, instead, it took us to a small pond surrounded by dying weeping willow trees. There was a bridge we had to walk across to get to the other side of the pond but we just stood on the bridge and just looked at the still waters before we headed back to the car. After that it was about 3 and that was then the sun would set early still. We decided to drive to another part of town. It was a well known location called "Geyser Peak". I overlooked the same lands as before (From when we were on the mountain) but just from another view and at that point it was almost sunset. The sun was low so the sky was a bright orange color and the sun that shinned through the clouded skies, shinned down on all the vineyards and tiny farm houses that were randomly placed in various of places. We didn't have to hike anywhere that time. It was one where you can just drive up and park your car and just look from there if you wanted but we got out and went down the hill a bit of a ways and I sat on the grass and watched him snap a picture. Another scenic landscape to add to his collection but this one was special. As I looked out at the view I smiled to myself. This one was special because I showed him it, I was there with him and we looked at this land together. That's why it was special. It was about 4:20 when we decided to head back to the car. It was close to sunset, we had about another hour before the sun actually set and I looked to him as we loaded up in the car.

"I have one more place" I said. He gave me that chuckle, that light chuckle he did and that chuckle that I love so much. He nodded and that's when I drove the 30 minutes to the beach. When we arrived he laughed.

"The beach? I did not expect this" He laughed more and ran down to the sand. I giggled and after slipping on my warmer clothes, ran down after him, slipping off my shoes and attempting to job through the thick sand to catch up to him. It sucked because the clouds had taken over, there wasn't any sun but we didn't care. We ran through the beach and as I seen him looking around through the sand I ignored him and for the first time, (Yeah that was my first time going the beach) I allowed my feet to touch the oceans water. I took in the sunless, grey sky and the ice cold water on my feet and began taking pictures as he ran up to me. He held out a round, grey hard, light, thing. I didn't know what it was. It had a barnacle on it. I stepped out of the water and took it, shaking my head.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Its a sand dollar. It's rare to find one fully in tact cause they are fragile. Even though it has a barnacle on it, it's still cool." I smiled as he talked, I didn't care about the ugly, old barnacle. It was his first gift to me ever. He went around and stood beside me, his head just over my shoulder as his fingertips grazed over the carvings of the sand dollar. It was engraved with what seemed to be like a leaf of some sort. "Isn't it cool. its so lightly engraved on it" He said, smiling down at the sand dollar. I nodded.

"Yeah. I love it thank you" I said, turning to him. He turned to me and smirked before walking away, looking through the sand. I put it in my sweatpants pocket and looked with him till we gave up and ended up sitting on this large rock. It was so nicely placed in the shallow end of the ocean. It was so pretty even though the skies were grey. The waves crashed against our rock as we sat in silence and watched. He turned to me and I looked to him. "What?" I chuckled, he hated when I looked at him for long periods of time, he said he hated the attention and ordered me not to do it so i didn't but when he looked at me the way I wasn't suppose to, I questioned it nervously. He shook his head and looked back to the ocean and I remember every word he said.

 _"You surprised me today"_ He started off with. I smiled and looked at the ocean.

"I'm glad. That's what I was trying to do" I nudged him lightly "Did I earn some brownie points?" I asked. He laughed and nodded

"Yeah...Look, I'm sorry about before. I was a jerk and I didn't...I wan't you to know that I do like you but I don't want any kind of relationship. I don't do good with relationships. Obviously." He mumbled. Given how he was, how he didn't like PDA, he hated meeting new people, he hated planning, he hated being complimented and he isn't one for complimenting either. He hates anything corny, he doesn't like to put effort into things he doesn't have to and he doesn't like affection. "That's why I left." He looked to me and I smirked. "Why did you forgive me?" He asked.

"My papa always use to say; 'If someone comes back after making a complete fool of themselves, they deserve a second chance.' I never use to understand any of his lingo or stuff he says until I got older and after he past." I looked to him and he smirked and looked away.

"You're a very forgiving person. Be careful you can get hurt"

"Yeah I know but." I shrugged and looked back to the waves in the distance. "That's how I was raised. Everyone deserves a second chance" It was silent after that for a good five minutes and then I turned and looked to him after remembering all the corny romance movies. "This is my first time at a beach, I deserved to be kissed on one, like in the movies" He turned to me with a 'hell no' look. Eyebrow raised and a scoff leaving his lips.

"Woman, the fuck does this look like?" He scoffed again and turned away, shaking his head. I knew it was a long shot. He hated corny/cheesy things AND he hated PDA. I smiled and looked to the beach.

"Shall we head home?" I asked. He nodded and jumped down off the rock before me. I was kind of upset i'm not going to lie but I wasn't for long. As we walked closer and closer to the car, along the shoreline, before we had to walk up to the parking lot he snapped his teeth, turned around and kissed me lightly on the lips.

"There." Was all he said before leading the way up to the car.

It was then I knew, that I was glad to have listened to my Papa. I was glad I gave him that second chance because without doing so, I wouldn't have had my first kiss on a beach just now.


	13. Chapter 13

_"You're amazing"_

 _ **Entry 13- Travels**_

In case you all have not guessed, I am kind of a nerd. I am a weirdo and I am not afraid to admit it! I like anime, I like rpg games, and I like RolePlaying. A couple years before I met Orihime and Renji I signed up for a RolePlaying website and began my long journey of writing. Back then, 7...maybe 8 years ago, I sucked. I sucked at detail and descriptive writing. My grammar and spelling was even worse than it was now but all I knew was that I liked making stories. Thats when I met my longest, best friend ever. His name is Sasuke. I rp'd with him 8 years ago and he taught me everything I know now. Even though I can still use a bit of work, I would say my detail is fairly decent. 2 years after I met him, we met our 3rd trio. Her name is Kagome. We all live on opposite ends of the country and are all more than thousands of miles away from each other. We all are internet best friends but recently we all got into an argument and split over something so dumb I don't even remember what it was. We've split before, cause like every friend, we argued. That was normal right? Yeah it was but this time it was big. We all are stubborn with one another because we are comfortable with one another. Neither of us wanted to apologize so all three of us ended up not talking for a whole month and a half. Until-

I was at the pet store with Orihime because she get a new dog for valentines day. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that haha! She got a puppy for valentines day and we were shopping for things he might need. He was getting dropped off that next day so we needed to be prepared. She was so excited and I was excited for her. Anyway, I was getting a bag of dog food and I had just put it in the cart when my phone rang and when I looked at the caller I.D I sighed before answering. It was Kagome. She wasn't one for apologizing at all so when I got the call I was a bit shocked. When I got off the phone I was even more shocked and excited. She had informed me that her mother bought her a round trip ticket down to Karakura town and if it was okay with me, she would stay a week. I didn't know how to take the news I was happy though. I would meet my internet best friend for the first time.

Ichigo came over that night and we were in my room, He was tuning his guitar and humming to a song in his head when I came back into the room and handed him a water bottle. I jumped on the bed happily and he set his guitar aside to enjoy his water and figure out what was my deal. After I told him the whole story on how we met and such and that she was going to be coming down to visit, he smiled.

"I'm excited for you. That sounds like a blast."He said, putting his water down and picking up his guitar again.

"It is going to be! We are going to do a bunch of fun things!" I giggled and got off my bed and sat at my desk and began sketching.

"You think it's going to be awkward?" He asked.

"No. Defiantly not." I said confidently.

xxxxxxxxx

She was to come the very next day and I had Orihime come with me so she could drive me to the airport and then drive us back. She knew Kagome too cause of all the skype calls we would have. When we pulled up to the airport, I looked at my phone. Her plane just landed. We pulled up to the pick up and drop off area and Orihime parked the car. She told me she would let me have our moment and she would wait in the car. I nodded, sprayed myself with perfume and took in a breath before stepping out and walking through the sliding glass doors, and into baggage claim. There was a very long escalator just a few feet from baggage claim, that led to the upper desk where all terminals were and such. There were other people gathered at the bottom, just like me, with family members as they eager to see their loved ones. Most of them weren't dramatic at all but as I stood here, I was already waiting to cry.

Let me tell you one thing. Kagome and Sasuke never got a long. They both loved me so they stuck around and put up with each other for me. I was the odd one out out of us three. I was defiantly girly as all hell. I was into dresses and makeup and such and I was shorter than all hell. Theeeeeeey were oppisite. Both of em were goth, they both liked heavy metal and they both were stoners. Sasuke was 5'11" and Kagome was 5'9". I am 5'2" almost. That being said, it was easy to spot Kagome she was wearing all black, of course and her makeup was done get goth like, She had black lipstick, black hair, and studded everything. She ran down the rest of the escalator and I squealed as she ran up to me and hugged me tightly. I ended up crying, not caring that we drew unwanted attention to ourselves. She picked me up and spun me then set me down and stepped back.

God she was so tall.

"Look at how short and adorable you are!" She shouted happily. I blushed and cleared my throat, looking away and she laughed and hugged me again. She took me hand in hers and I smiled and we walked to baggage claim. She grabbed her bag, loaded it up in the car and hugged Orihime hard. "Look at your boobs! I wish I had boobs like that" She joked. I smiled happily, gladly letting her take the front seat since she had long legs. I knew it wasn't going to be awkward. Me and her talked the whole way home and we talked even more when we got home. When we opened the door, the puppy greeted her happily before we walked into the room. My bong was on my desks so of course she stopped and gave me a look. "Rukia...No you dont" I laughed and held up some High quality weed that Ichigo gave me as a present for Kagome for when she came. "Whaaaaat? You use to get on me and Sasuke ALLLL the time about how we shouldn't smoke and now-"

"I know, I know" I laughed as she examined my stash. We didn't want to smoke now. We set her stuff down and she tackled me back onto the bed. I laughed and she looked down at me and all I could remember her saying was.

"You're so short!" Something that her and Sasuke picked on me about was how short I was. They had a lot in common but had no idea why they didn't like each other. It was ridiculous. I was just happy to be in her arms. It felt more than refreshing to be with her. I couldn't believe she was here. She looked and was exactly like I pictured her to be. Awesome and loving in every way. Now she just had to meet my friends.


	14. Chapter 14

_"You have beautiful eyes"_

 _ **Entry 14 - Internet Friends**_

Orihime walked in and sat on my bed, she had her jar of weed and Kagome and I sat up with her before I moved to the desk, taking the jar and cracking it open. I put my weed at the bottom of the bowl and drizzled Orihimes on top before handing the freshly packed water pipe to Kagome. She took it then gave it a look as she pulled a lighter from her pocket.

"I still cant believe you" She mumbled as she gave a soft smirk at me. I shrugged and criss-crossed my legs as I sat on computer chair. She placed her mouth to the top of the bong and with one hand she held the base and the other held the lighter as she flicked it on and sucked as hard as she could, taking in the smoke from the burning bowl of weed. When the smoke reached the top, she released the flame then quickly snatched the bowl out and with the last of her breath available to her she took in the remaining, thick, fog of smoke. She attempted to hold it in but didnt get past 5 seconds when she started coughing up her lungs. I laughed as the coughing continued, taking the bong from her. She covered her mouth in an attempt to contain her loud coughs but it only made things worse. I took a hit as Orihime rubbed Kagomes back with evil laughter. I released my smoke and chuckled more then laughed harder as she gagged and ran to the bathroom

"Hows the weed Zave?"I called out from in the room as I heard her continuously cough. Zavier was Kagomes internet persona. When I first met her, for the first 3 years she acted as a male. I believed, for that time period, that she really was a male. It wasnt till the 4th year when she told me all those skype calls was her brother talking to me and for some reason I wasn't at all mad. I never seen her more relieved in my life and since then, we've been inseparable. Of course when I told Sasuke his response was _"I figured."_

She came back into the room with watery eyes and a laugh. She took in a deep breath then let it out with a 'woooo' upon exhale. She sat back on the bed and shook her head with another chuckle.

"That weed is no joke" She laughed. Kagome was a hardcore stoner like Sasuke. Sasuke lives out in the mountains and Kagome lived out in the country so you could imagine the hard troubles they had to come by really good weed. "I wish I could take some home" She said with a smile as she took the bong again, it coming back to her. She took a softer hit then watched as I hit it hard. At the time I never realized how hard I was hitting it. I had good lungs I suppose because every hit I took was hard and non-effective. All I remember was when I was taught, Renji kept egging me to 'hit it harder, HARDER' He would say over and over. She raised her brows as I handed the bong to Orihime for her to repack for later. "Wow...I never thought I would see the day. What'd Sasuke say?" She asked, leaning back. I shrugged and responded.

"He wouldn't believe me till I skyped with him and showed him" I smiled. She laughed and nodded, looking at Orihime as she spoke.

"That'd be my response" She smirked then paused and looked to me. I tilted my head in confusion, wondering why her mood changed. "How is he..." She mumbled. Orihime paused and I paused. I hear her clear her throat and stand with the bong.

"I have to go call Tatsuki and confirm things regarding the puppy" She said. We didn't respond. She walked out the room and closed the door behind her. I looked down at my lap and took in a breath.

...

Here is a bit of backstory on Sasuke and I . I had met him in a total of 9 years ago now. I had a difficult childhood growing up. It wasn't super horrible but It was very depressing. My brother was/still is a very powerful man that did bad things. Growing up I was always faced with being without him. My mother left when I was 3 days old, leaving me to my brother and he leaving me to our grandpa Yamamoto due to the fact that he couldn't have me around that kind of lifestyle. SO growing up was easy. My grandfather and I have been super close since day one because of it. I was blessed with a good life till I was about 9. My brother started picking me up more and more, started taking me to his house over time until the day came when my grandfather told me he was moving to america. I would be living with Byakuya from now on. My grandfather left me with what he thought would be a safe place because he seen his grandson coming around more and more. Little did he know it was an act because I met my sister in law and her kids. She had moved in too and brought her children. Throughout my years I suffered emotional, mental and a little bit of physical abuse from this woman. She hated me. My brother was just as much gone now as he was when I was living with papa Yamamoto. My Sister in law hated it and took it out on me every time he was away. She hated that I ALWAYS got the master bedroom. My big brother spoiled me in exchange for his absence and she hated it. Every time he was home, the house was filled with yelling and My name came up 70% of the time in each fight. This is what made me sensitive, closed in, distant, and silent. I didnt have my papa to protect me and I didn't talk to him often and when I did, the last thing I wanted was to bother him. I was so fearful of troubling him or getting into trouble for even saying anything. A few months from my 13th birthday, my brother surprised me with a laptop. I was so happy I remember that being the best day ever because now I had something to take up my time and something to make me forget of my sister in law. Then within those few months I met him.

I found Sasuke in a chatroom on a random roleplay site I was obsessed with. I had discovered this new love for writing, only because I really loved writing in the diary that was ALWAYS invaded by my sister in law. Now that I had a laptop, I came up with the idea of making all my entries on my laptop with the security that no one would read it. I ended up seeing this newly found love for telling my stories and there I was, exploring the roleplay world and he was one of the first people to come in my life and expand my knowledge about such things. I don't know how to explain him when he first met. He was amazing. Kind, loving, flirtatious as all hell, oh my lord. We ended up talking more and more then when I told him I wanted to get better at writing, he became my sensei. He taught me everything there was about writing. It astounded me that you can make a paragraph or more out of one sentence just by rewording and adding things. Descriptive writing is my absolute favorite. He taught me everything about being descriptive even though I wasn't at all good with grammar and such. After much progressed I went from an amateur to a pro, aside from my spelling and grammatically incorrect tendencies.

I cant explain enough how grateful I am to him. I told him everything about me and he told me everything about him and when we skyped through phone calls they would last hours and when we decided to cam, our conversations and calls were endless. Being pre-teens back then wasn't at all like how it is now. Our conversations were always about anime, roleplaying, video games, books, what we did, laughing about nonsense, talking about other people in our circle of roleplaying friends. On weekends we would sleep with the camera on and wake up the next day and continue to talk throughout the day. He kept me sane, when we weren't talking and I was dealing with the Lady Devil, it was more bearable. When I was too scared to tell family about my feelings he listened and we made fun of her together.

When there is pre-teens, there is puberty then high school. That's when things got messed up. Our hormones and changes in our moods and such made things difficult. I felt weird feelings for him and he I. We got more intimate and then of course with that comes the insecure arguments of who's talking to who, who's cheating on who when neither of us were cheating at all Zavier came in shortly after and that made things worse because Sasuke would get insecure about this random, dominate male hanging around me so much. We were on an off all throughout high school together till i turned 17 when he said it was done. He was done. He told me we obviously weren't meant to be a couple and he loved me more than anything but in more of a sister way. I died inside...I loved this man and he was just so blunt. Of course I agreed but he ended up getting other girlfriends, bringing em around the chat rooms we would go in and I found myself continuously jealous and annoyed. We must have stopped talking a million and one times but we never could stay mad at each other.

Over time we just grew up. I got over him and my brother had left his evil wife I was in medical school and he was doing whatever he wanted. Both of us were older now, trying to figure out adult life. We would talk a little here in there, Hi's and How are you's, but then it would be a month or so till the next time we seriously sat down and would talk again for a couple hours I would notice though, that his attitude changed slightly. He was more short and to the point. After we would get back to our daily lives. He ended up getting engaged to a beautiful woman and they have a house. I didn't want to bother him so we just stopped talking. Later on his fiancee reached out to me and informed me of his poor health. He didn't wanna worry me with any of it but she decided on telling me anyway since he was in and out of the hospital for going on a year now. I felt my heart drop at her confession. A year. I remember repeating it to her. A whole year he had been in and out of the e.r and I wasn't told nothing. I had noticed his major attitude change but he always said he was tired or exhausted so I had figured it was due to a job of some sort but I was dead wrong. She sent me pictures of him in the hospital and I felt so guilty. I started talking to him more and more I bugged him everyday almost to where he told me to stop worrying. He said

"This is why I didn't want you to know. You always make big deals out of little things" He grumbled on camera.

"It isn't little when you're on a stretcher Sasuke!" I argued. I got to rub it in his face though. A few moths before I met Ichigo I got into a serious car accident. I was paralyzed from the waist down for a good while but was lucky enough to get feeling back in my legs later on after therapy. He ended up being the one that called and skyped everyday.

Back to real time, It was but a month ago when I got the news that Sasuke had gone back to the hospital. He had flatlined twice but made it out. I was lucky enough to be on skype with his fiancee most of the time. When he made a full recovery I was more than happy and all he said was;

"Stop worrying"

..

I smiled softly and nodded up at Kagome.

"Better." I replied. "Not fixed but he isn't dead so..."

"Still a bitter ass?" She smiled. I laughed and nodded.

"Wouldn't be Sasuke if he wasn't" I looked at my phone as it went off.

-Sasuke: Well?-

He had texted me and I laughed shaking my head with a mumble "Speak of the devil" I said. Kagome jumped up, snatched the phone and sent a video that was of her flipping him off and wishing him well. I had never seen her act more kinder to him and he to her.

I would be nothing without them


	15. Chapter 15

_"Maybe one day"_

 _ **Entry 15- Renji and Kagome**_

When Renji informed me that he would be coming over later on that day, I was more than excited. I knew right away he would get along with Kagome. It was hard to get on Renji's bad side because he had seen everyone for the better person they can be. As I may have mentioned, Renji is an all around outgoing guy. He is one of those types that can strike up a conversation about anything and is ALWAYS positive. He is straightforward and blunt but in the most kindest of ways. I had never seen anything like it. When the time came, I opened the door and there he stood, soaking wet outside my front door with a case of beer and a smile plastered on his face. His energy is out of this world. He would always greet you as if he hadn't seen you in ages even though you might have seen him the day before.

He stepped inside, set down the case of beer and as Kagome came around the corner, he threw his arms around her and introduced himself right then and there, and the rest of the night was history. As I sat between the two it was like i wasn't even present, which I didn't mind at all. They were both sitting at an angle to where they faced each other, and myself, then talked about everything and anything there was. Kagome was wearing a KORN shirt that she had modified, just so it could be her own, and he complimented it and we sat there and they talked about music for an hour or so. As I gazed at the two I felt thankful. I smiled from ear to ear as I listened to their nonsense chatter about music and...me. When the time grew later and later we all found ourselves in my room, all three of us on the bed, staring at the lights in my room and the pictures pinned to my pegboard above my desk. There were only a couple empty spots but the rest was covered, from corner to corner, with pictures of my loved ones.

We smoked a lot that night and in the end, all three of us ended up passing out on my bed in all different directions. Like we had known each other our whole lives.

The week following that night was one of the best in my life. Renji was attached at our hips every waking moment he wasn't at work. Us three did everything together. We laughed about the dumbest stuff and did it a lot. We showed Kagome everything there was to see in our little town and she was interested in all of it way past my imagination. Everything I suggested we did, she was so on board as long as all three of us were together. When we remembered the photographic memories that had to be documented, it was over. We took pictured everywhere we went and made Renji take them with us, even if he was lightly embarrassed he was still as good of a sport as I know he could be. When he had suggested the goth club downtown, that was it for Kagome. I had never seen or heard her more excited in my life. I knew Renji and the guys went to it because thats what they were into, the dancing thing, but I was more of a home-body. I owned not one piece of black clothing, let alone anything remotely goth. We were to be heading out by 9pm that night and we needed to get me something "goth" to wear. Even though we had been on a time limit, it didn't stop us from goofing around. We made Renji try on ridiculous things that we had no intentions on buying and he went with it until it was time to go and after i got a dress.

That afternoon, Renji parted ways from us. He informed us that he would go back to his place to get ready, pick up the guys then we would meet at the club afterwards. The prep took forever. I would consider myself, talented, when it comes to makeup. I did it often because I had the tools for it (even though 90% of the time I was going absolutely no where) but I had no idea what to do for the gothic look. I couldn't ask Kagome for help because she took longer than I do and Orihime was at work, again. I was left to fend for myself and when I got a general idea down it came out way better than I expected. I looked completely different. Given that most of the time, because I am a home-body, I wore loose, or semi-loose clothing, It was rare to see me dressed up let alone in a completely different style than what I normally go for. I walked into the bathroom where Kagome was and, being the lesbian that she is, she looked at him as if she wanted to tear everything off me right there. I cleared my throat to get her googling eyes off my chest area and she smirked and turned back to fixing her eyebrows. I was ready and now waiting for her. She smirked at me after she was finished and the next thing we had in mind, is to drive to the club.

We found it easily and parked around back, down an alley and in a back parking lot behind the brick building. Renji, Shiba, and Hisagi was already walking down the alley being as loud as they can (as usual). Kagome was the first out and I stayed in the car to finish rolling up a joint, listening as she introduced herself and listening as Shiba, shamelessly hit on my friend. I got out the driver side and smirked as I finished twisting it up. "Shes gay jackass" The look Shiba gave me was that of a smirk.

"Oh you think cause you're wearing black you can act like a bad bitch now?" Shiba asked, amused at my attitude. I rolled my eyes and handed Kagome the Lighter and rolled up weed. Renji stepped closer as I leaned against the car, looking at my phone for messages from Ichigo. No luck. I sighed irritably and shook my head.

"Something wrong?" he asked my silently, as the other three talked among themselves. I smiled and nodded to him after looking up, into his eyes. Somehow the reassurance wasn't enough for him, we both could tell but I wasn't about to tell him about Ichigo. I didn't want anyone knowing. We dropped the subject anyway and he looked at me from top to bottom. "I've never seen you like this" he smirked nervously and I shrugged. "You should dress this way more often" He playfully nudged me then Shiba grabbed his attention by passing the joint. I looked at my friends as they laughed about something Shiba had said then started walking down the alley.

The night was a fun experience. When it was over we said our goodbyes and Kagome and I got in the car and started on our way home. As we drove past the city lights, I heard Kagome chuckle, she sighed then I felt her staring at me shortly after. I gave her a quick glance then nervously laughed, questioning the reason behind her stare.

"You remember that time I told you I was really a girl?" She asked. I laughed at her question and nodded, as if I could forget. "You weren't mad at me at all Rukia and I treated you like shit" She said softly. My face grew soft as I kept my eyes on the road, attempting to forget the times she was referring to but it was inevitable that she was going to bring them up. "I've hurt you so many times and-"

"Zavi-"

"-No. You need to know this" She said. I swallowed my thoughts and nodded.

Kagome and Sasuke were both one of the same people almost. Which is why I think they clashed so much. One thing about them is that they are stubborn. They never admit anything aloud and arent very affectionate people to begin with. They rarely apologized, if at all, and never admitted their true feelings to themselves or others for that matter so, hearing Kagome be so stern about this conversation really put me in a weird situation. I braced myself as she continued. "There have been times where I've left you, i've mistreated you and the fact that you are still by my side today makes me hate myself and everything I've done to you. I love being here Rukia. I dont want to leave I dont want to leave you and Renji" She smirked. "I'm so miserable back home and I always feel like i'm walking on glass and it amazes me that being here can make me so sure and so calm about everything I do"

That was it. That was the moment I realized I loved her. Zavier was part of me, She will forever be apart of me. I grew up with her in my life i've learned from her just like she had learned from me and at that moment I knew I wanted her in my life forever. I would be nothing without my friends, without Renji, Sasuke, Shiba, Orihime, without Zavier I would be the most miserable person in the world.

"I love you Zavier."

* * *

That next day Renji had let himself into the house and walked to the back of the apartment where he found Kagome and I taping a tone of pictures on the long empty wall in my room. All the new ones that we took from the night at the club , her past week here, and the original pictures from the Peg Board. It wasn't big enough so we were currently a mural of a bunch of pictures. I told him I had a vision to cover the whole wall with people I love and the pictures of memories I shared with them. He helped tape and was all for the idea especially because of the idea that he had and the whole reason why he was here.

The beach.

It was such a brilliant idea because we were so close to the beach and she had never been. It wasn't even a debate because at that moment we got up, got ready, and drove the hour and a half to the beach where we parked and explored the discovered yet deserted parts of the oceans short, moving through caves that were formed by many giant rocks and the giant cliff above us. We ran through the sand and even though the skies were grey and the sun was hiding behind the clouds we laughed and danced around like it was the times of our lives. I stood on the shore as they climbed on top of GIGANTIC boulders and rocks that eventually overlooked the whole ocean and cliff side. We took many pictures and after climbing up there with them, we sat and looked at the ocean, talking and laughing until it was time to head back to the car and back home. Tomorrow was Kagomes last day and as I pulled out my phone I glanced at the messages that were non existent from Ichigo. I texted him to confirm if he would come and at least meet Kagome then put my phone away so I could drive us back home.

The goodbye was so hard. We stood outside the airport with her giant suitcase at her side and standing before one another. She was off to fly back to the other side of the country again and I wasn't sure of the next time I would see her. We smiled before embracing each other tightly and staying there until we felt it was time to say bye. We wiped the tears from our eyes and chuckled lightly as she stepped back to grab her suitcase.

"Alright Yumi..." She mumbled.

"Alright Zavier..." I replied.

When I got back I walked into my room, closed the door behind me and face planted the bed, staying there till I realized I had to take off my shoes. I pushed myself up off the bed and turned around to sit on the edge and there it was. I paused and slowly stood from the bed and looked at the note taped on the back of my door. I felt my heart race and my eyes water as I noticed the black writing. I read it and sat on my bed as I read it over and over again, tears rolling down my face. I looked up and took in a deep breath before grabbing the tape from the other day and taping it to the section of the wall right above my bed.

Yumiku,

You are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

You bring me peace and happiness.

I miss you already, I promise I will be back again

-Zavier 2/10/16

 **Ill wait for you to come back Zavier**

 **I miss you**


	16. XXXXXX

**Chapter XXX**

 _Poison..._  
 _Pure poison._  
 _That what he is to me. He has infected me with his charm, his looks. His poison is setting in and is gradually killing me. I don't even know it._

 _How can one person be so attracted to someone that's so bad for them?_

 _The worst part?_

 _They cant even see it until after it has already taken its toll and has put giant dent in their heart. A dent so big, it prevents them from trusting any other being._

* * *

 _The simple things he did is what I loved most about him. The one thing I loved most of all, his smile. God how I loved his smile, it was even better when I am the one that caused it, when i'm the one that put it there because for a slight moment, his smile became something else. For a split moment he looked at me with approval and for that slight moment I hope he is happy to be with me._

 _I loved him..._

 _For the 9 months that god put him in my life was the happiest moments of my life. The poison had set in and the after effects of it hit me harder than anything I've ever felt but for some stupid reason I wouldn't change it for the world and for some stupid reason I would go back in a heart-beat to experience the thrills all over again. I would go back to enjoy the days we would spend staring up at the Christmas lights in my room and laugh about the stupid things he would say and the even stupider things he would do. I would go back to the days where we would drive the 2 hours out of town to spend the days by the different, hidden lakes within nature, sleeping in the car under the endless stars and forget the world as we watched netflix on the phone till it died and we had nothing better to do but write stupid catchy songs. I would go back to day he kissed me after we successfully wrote our first song. He kissed me like he had never kissed me before. I would go back just to get that butterfly feeling I got when he looked me in the eyes and passionately kissed me for longer than a couple seconds. The first time he kissed me like that was also the last._

 _It's not fair..._

 _It isn't fair that no matter what I do, no matter where I go, I always end up thinking of him when I'm suppose to forget. When my mind is trying to forget my heart doesn't let me. I drags the memories out from the darkest depths of my mind just to catch a glimpse of what I will never have again. It hurts. It hurts to cry because I know its over him. It hurts to move on because I know my future wont have him in it._

 _It's over now..._

 _He is gone and he isn't coming back this time, he wont come back to me and tell me he misses me and he wont come back to sweep me off my feet like I hope for. He is going on about his life as I sit here and waste my tears in attempt to rid the memory of which he has burned in my heart. Not all the comfort in the world could console the aching feeling I feel in my heart every time I hear that song. The song that I play on repeat sometimes and get lost in the thoughts of what it would be like if he was here until the pain subsides or I cry myself to sleep._

 _I want to try and bring myself to finish our little story but it has become impossible to get even a paragraph in without having to stop and collect myself._

 _For now I leave our readers with my deepest feelings and thoughts on how i feel about you in hopes that will do for now. From here on out our chapters will consist of pure thoughts, thoughts on how I feel in hopes that someone who is also hurting will find this and feel warmth to know that she/he is not alone. I to have experienced the deepest depression that my life has had to offer so far._

 _Forgive me_


	17. Ect 1

_Why does he have such an effect on me? Why is it that I spend my nights thinking of him when I know that he isn't thinking of me in no way shape or form? I miss him everyday of my life but, why? Why, When I know that he is probably with the next victim._

 _People keep telling me to not give him the satisfaction of hurting and crying over him._

 _I know what everyone says is genuine but, even though they probably have been through the same thing as me and are speaking from experience, (I mean who hasn't) its no consolation. It doesn't make me feel better and I cant NOT hurt over him because he hurt me and that's something that cant go away just because I refuse to 'give him the satisfaction of knowing'._

 _Nothing I do relieves the pain I feel. I'm still writing because I hope that maybe, writing about how shitty he was will make me hurt less. Maybe putting my thoughts out there will be some kind of healing method for me because no one wants to listen to my sad story in real life and to be honest I don't want to tell it to anyone. I don't want to say anything, knowing that I am going to be hearing the same thing, the same lines 'You'll get over it' or 'its hard now but it will be better soon'._

* * *

 _I know you all are wondering what happened because I ended the story at such a sudden stop._

 _You can guess though right?_

 _I cannot describe the pain I feel in my chest and in my heart. Its something I've experienced only once before and that story, in itself, is too long to explain._

 _A love lasting 5 years and a heartbreak that adds to the pain of which I feel now. Adds to the question that I can't get out of my mind. The question that sturs up every time I see Ichigo's face in my mind or every time I sulk in his memory; 'Is there something wrong with me?'_

* * *

 _I deserve better_

 _I tell myself this in a sorry attempt to motivate myself to get out of this depression. It doesn't work for a number of reasons, many of which I am sure you all can relate to in one way or another._

 _It's hard to get better when you think they are the best there is. The best the world has to offer._

 _It's hard to find better when you cant help but compare them to every person that attempts to heal the wound of which they've left in your heart._

 _Its hard to find better when everything you do reminds you of that one person._

 _It's hard to find better when your heart still aches for them._

 _It's hard to find better when you spend all your time hoping they will miss you enough to come back and apologize._

 _It's hard to find better when all you think about is the qualities you love most about them over the cons of which brought you to the separation in the first place._

* * *

 _His smile..._

 _You all know how much I loved seeing him smile. His smile cancels out that he NEVER introduced me to any of his friends even though I was eager to show him off to mine._

 _His chuckle..._

 _The chuckle that I miss so much. That chuckle he would give when he was amused and when he mixed it with the words he spoke made it even better. That chuckle cancels out that he never kissed me like he truly meant it._

 _His eyes..._

 _His big, brown eyes when he looks at me with the slightest of interest in me is worth everything and cancels out that he absolutely refused to make me his girlfriend._

 _Even though I found all these things to cancel out every other flaw of which he had, I found not one that canceled out the fact that he forgot my birthday, remembered it 2 days later then still didn't wish me 'Happy Birthday'._

* * *

 _That was the end._

 _I left him later that week, a few days after my 23rd birthday and his response pierced my heart and the pain from that wound has yet to heal. It will always be a soft spot, he will always have a piece of me and its not fair because I don't have a piece of him. His response plays through my head over and over and even though its a reminder as to why I left him in the first place;_

 _Again..._

 _Its no consolation._

 _"Okay, it's better this way. You were getting a bit too annoying"_

* * *

 _His cruel words bring me no comfort or motivation to move on but instead holds me back and prevents me from becoming a better person for it. Causes me to question myself as a person. I cry at least every other day because of the pain he caused, among other things that just seem to keep falling apart more and more since he walked out of my life and you know what?_

 _I envy my happiness during my time with him_

 _I envy the joy that I felt during those 9 months and I miss the stress free environment of which he provided because he always knew how to put me at ease, always knew how to make me smile._

 _More than anything in the world I would love to go back to that time and just soak up all the happiness I felt during that period because I have none left as of two months ago when I removed him from my life._

* * *

 _I just want to love someone. I just want to love someone with all I have in me and feel the sweet ecstasy of having them love me back with everything they have in them._

 _I guess that's it for now._

 _Until the pain is too much to bare, again, I hope you all are doing better than me right now._

 _Just think, one day I will be completely over him and wont need to turn to you guys for relief._

 _I long for that day yet also fear it._

 _-Yumi(Rukia)_

* * *

 _P.S: Ranting about it does make the pain go away, even if it's just for a little while. I am glad you take the time to review. It makes me smile to no extent and I'm so grateful to you all for that._


	18. DIARY OF YOU -ENDING-

_Since I halted the story so suddenly, let me update you so I can give you the proper ending to this chapter in my life._

 _1- In may Ichigo met my friends and needless to say, the guys nominated him as a douche from the moment they observed his actions and how he behaved around me in front of other people. He finally agreed to go to a party with me to meet them and we were separated most of the time. I didn't mind or think anything of it because of the fact that I knew he wasn't okay with public display of affection but they found it odd. They said, months later, that It was weird that for as highly as I talked about him, he seemed pretty distant from me. They were seeing something I wasn't at the time and didn't really bother to tell me, thinking it was for my own good and allowed my happiness just a little longer._

 _2- In June, Orihime announced she was moving 6 hours away from me to be with our other best friend, from high school, that was already living in the tiny hole in the wall town for some time. She moved at the end of that month, paying July's rent so she gave me the place to myself for that time period, leaving me with the decision to find someone to replace her._

 _3- Mid July came around and I was becoming more and more stressed about not being able to find a roommate and I feel like I was becoming more and more needy because of it, slowly bringing up more and more arguments between Ichigo and I as time went on._

 _4- As august came around, Byuakuya paid the rent of august, giving me another month to find a roommate but I took a vacation and went to see Sasuke, 3100 miles away from me. During that time, I celebrated the birthday Ichigo never bothered to wish me well on and when I got back I informed him I was done and thus began the dark depression I have ever experienced._

 _5- **3 months later** I am holding up with the best roommates Life has to offer me;_

* * *

Diary of you -ENDING-

"Can you hurry up Rukia" Shiba nagged as he stood outside, on the deck in front of my apartment that looked over our driveway. When I stepped out of the back of the truck, holding a light box I glared at the smirk he had on his face.

"You can come and help ya know. That'd be great" I rolled my eyes and walked to the side of the building, up the steps till I too was on the deck when Renji walked from the apartment and outside to join use.

"You got that Rukia?" He asked. I looked to him and smiled happily with a nod before carrying it in. As I set the box in the empty room, I heard a honk from outside. I walked tot he window and seen the silver car pull up in front of the driveway. I smiled happily as Hisagi and Sado stepped out of the car.

"Took you guys long enough!" I hear shiba call out as I run to the front door and out onto the deck where I waved down at them.

...

Later that night the four of em cracked open beers and I just sat there with my sketchbook and laughed as I watched them exchange jokes. Upon looking at them I couldn't help but to smile. I was more than lucky enough to where Sado, Shiba, and Renji were all looking for a place. Renji and Shiba wanted one together anyway and since my place was a three bedroom it was perfect. Sado and Shiba got their own rooms, as well as me, because Renji insisted he slept on the couch. He didn't have anything besides his clothes and a bed in storage. For such a small collection of things, he said his own room wasn't needed and requested the couch with equal pay in rent still. It was perfect. It was late out and Hisagi was telling a story when my phone went off. We were all laughing then suddenly I felt my heart drop as I seen who it was from. My expression showed on my face because I went dead silent in the middle of a laugh and it was easy to tell when something bothered me. I stood from my chair and that alone was enough to catch their attention. I walked to the very back room, which was mine, took the jacket from my bed and held it tightly as I stayed frozen in place. It was the last thing and tie I had to him. I heard the honk outside and then heard the honk again before the guys began to chatter about what was going on. I took in a deep breath and walked from my room and out into the main living area where Hisagi was already at the window and Ichigo had stood up.

"Rukia, you okay?" He asked. I didn't say anything in response. Now after leaving Ichigo it was obvious I was going through a depressing state because I avoided all contact and when people would ask to come visit I would reject them. I posted depressing status' on facebook so it wasn't hard to tell. Up until now though, no one really bothered to bring it up I fear of how I might react.

I've thought about going to them many times because Orihime was gone and I had no other family besides Byuakuya, they were the only ones I knew would listen and honestly care but I didn't wanna bother them with my crying. No one want's to let others see them cry and that was my case. The only thing that got me tempted was Shiba's words after a while of catching on with the fact that I wasn't doing to good. I will always have the message saved in my phone because it was security after Orihime left; 'It's okay to cry in front of those who care Rukia, no matter how much you don't want to. Renji, Hisagi and I are here for you, like your older brothers and we have to protect our sis. You do a lot of us and its the least we can do.' And it was true. I have been known to be an overly caring/giving person. I see the best I people and give people the benefit of the doubt way too much, which was one of my problems when it came to Ichigo. Like with everyone, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and often made a lot of excuses for him until I accepted reality.

"Ichigo..." I mumbled lightly "He just came by to pick up his jacket and give me my house key back." I said as I slipped on my shoes at the front door. When I walked to the door, I opened it, leaving it open and closing the screen behind me with the guys following after. Shiba had lit a cigarette and the four stood out on the deck above the driveway as I walked down and approached the running car and the tall handsome man that stepped out of it.

I can't explain what I felt...

I can't explain to you what went through my mind and how heart my heart was after he drove away. I knew they were watching me from above and I didn't want them to see me breaking down as I held the key tightly in my hand at the end of the driveway. You know how when you let all your emotions out at once? When you need one long last cry before moving on? That's what happened. At that moment, that one moment of exchanging items I felt everything we've ever went through within these 9 months rush to me in an instant and after he left without a word and drove off I knew it was officially done and over with.

I cried.

I cried so hard right there at the end of the driveway but not in a hysterical way, in a way that was silent but hard due to the effort it took to restrain my feelings from being let out. It hurt so much and I didn't know how to handle myself. The feeling is gone now so I can explain it all too well but that one last cry and closure was what I needed. I gathered myself and walked back up the steps with my head hung. I avoided eye contact with the guys and went straight to my room where I closed my door and sat on my bedroom floor in the dark, crying more until I fell asleep on the floor. That was the longest night of my life...

* * *

It had been a while since I cried or hurt over Ichigo and I was slowly crawling from my depression. I was looking at things with open eyes and determination flew through me. I was becoming a whole new person a new person that will allow to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve but be careful about it. to be not as humble to people who don't deserve it and most importantly, as Shiba taught me, to stick up for myself.

Byuakuya and the guys have grown close but not as close as him and Renji. I didn't know what it is but Byakuya and Renji were out doing more and more things together and the more they were out doing things the more Byuakuya shoved the thought of Renji being his brother in law down my throat even more so. I continuously informed him that Renji didn't like me that way but he protested ad responded with;

"You know, he told me he had to restrain himself from beating Ichigo's ass. He said 'You don't know how much it irritates me that Ichigo played with Rukia's heart that way' "

I didn't believe him at first and as time past, the love for the guys grew more and more. One person in particular though

...

2:00am

I felt something shift next to me in bed and when I turned to look, it was Renji, he had crawled in my bed and smirked to me as he said that he wanted to be close to me. That night we talked for an hour or so where he told me that I didn't have to work out if I was trying to prove something. He said I was beautiful in his eyes and he said that my personality was even more so. He established his hate for Ichigo and his actions as well, proving Byuakuya's statement true. More and more he became fond of my bed till he was sleeping at my side every night to the point where we were now sharing a room.

As of the month of December we finally decided to take a chance and take it beyond the friends with benefits

Renji and I are now happily going steady

Thank you to everyone who reviewed and made me smile during my hard times when trying to deal with getting over Ichigo. I would find myself going back and rereading the comments. Everything in this story is true and based off true events so please be kind with the ending reviews. I am so lucky to have the guys here with me when Orihime couldn't be. I felt so empty after she left me, then with Ichigo leaving as well it really hit me. That hole has been filled with the love and compassion everyone gives me. I hope to hear your thoughts and thanks for your best wishes.

-Yumi


End file.
